Gary Chapman has a Â somewhat similar sounding book [I’ve not read it], to my model for a complete apology, based on in what style one would want to be apologized-to/finding the right style in which the Other prefers to receive apologies.Â I think incorporating all these aspects in all important apologies is neither excessive nor inappropriate.. Â Diplomacy and good manners are never inappropriate, and often they make close relationships last. Â Here’s an outline of my thoughts. Â Do let me know how this works for you.
Â Â Â 1. Â First, an authentic ” I am sorry”, with acknowledgement of the other’s realistic hurt;
2. Â and “I won’t do it again/or I’m really working on that” – if you can’t genuinely promise not to do it again, you can say “I’ll do my best not to do it again”, and do your best;
3. “How can I make it up to you?” after they have a few moments to consider, you can offer something specific, if you know an action/whatever that might balance the books ; for example ” I’ll do Â …../ a household task for an appropriate time period- negotiate if what’s asked is more than feels right to you – if they say “nothing” or “that’s OK”, suggest that something might come to one of your minds after a while, and be open to that;
4.Â Do it promptly, completely and willingly if there’s an it;
Â 5. Then forget it, because it’s over = be present centered.
To my chagrin, I just had opportunity to use this model connected with a mistake I made in therapy. This model offers a useful option to work through the inevitable unfortunate occurrences in relationships which would otherwise destroy the relationship,Â Dr Bob